i am having one of those days again--those days when you realize you aren't comfortable being left behind in the human touch department.

i almost never think about relationships. or loneliness.

but when i do, it hits me like a ton of bricks. i am not prepared to be alone, but i am even less prepared to be coupled.

i am the worst match for someone that you could imagine. i am selfish. i am unkind. and i am often completely isolated. i make it impossible for anyone to stay truly attached to me. self-fulfilling prophecy? maybe just a little.

the truth of it is, i don't want to be in a "relationship." i want to have occasional sex with the same person. and i want that person to be a close friend. but i do not want that person in my house. or too often in my mind. i could give my body. but i could never give myself, which is exactly what you need to give to make these things work.

it has been, in fact, years since i have given anything (body or mind) to anyone. and i have often thought i could go back to old habits, breaking up marriages and getting regular tests for STDs, but i can't.

i have been awakened to the nature of myself. and i can either accept that (and the fact that touch and relationship are great challenges for me) or i can try to force myself into believing i am something different. i can force myself to fake connections and fuck strangers like i have done in the past.

i think--maybe--these are equally negative options. every move i make digs me deeper, and i am stuck here thinking i am only unfuckable or traumatizable. i am usable... like a thing and not a person. if i could get to the place where i have no feelings, i think i could live with that and have the actions i seek.

or i can stay with the feeling and crush on fictional characters and buy vibrators and run from emotional connections.

why can't i be both things at once.....

CURRENTLY WATCHING:
Battlestar Galactica (Season One)